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Posts Tagged ‘Love’

The Scary Side of Writing…

In Playwriting, The Daily Drool on December 18, 2009 at 11:58 pm

I spend a lot of time at home “making out” with my computer.

The creative rewards are amazing (if long in the coming) but every once in a while I detach from my imagination long enough to look around my cluttered apartment and at my two perhaps-overly-affectionate cats and wonder if I’m not seriously fucking things up.

I mean, what is life but a series of moments, memories…  and here I am living mostly in the imagined and fantastical.  This body, this life, is not as balanced as I want it to be.

When I reach back to my much younger self, I see her imagined version of thirty-year-old-Tiffany and that girl is:  Married with kids, owns a home, and teaches high-school theatre (as well as doing some light community theatre when she finds the time)

I mean, that is verbatim what I thought I would be doing.  Everything seemed so within reach.

But REAL thirty-year-old-Tiffany is a starving writer/acting-teacher-on-Saturdays who just Loved and Lost AGAIN, owning only apartment furnishings and a Hyundai, with no promise of kids in sight.

And yes, I need to be fair- I mean, I have absolutely zero desire to teach High School Theatre (the anxiety!) and this Tiffany while emotionally fulfilled by the imagined version, would probably be the craziest mom on the block if I hadn’t been able to do all the schooling and adventuring I’ve done… but there is still, something so very alluring (and therefore mournful) about that idea of home, husband, kids… I want all of those things NOW, I’m kind of over the wanderings of single me!

So when I think about it all, and the meaning of life (dear GOD, I haven’t a clue), and then I look around my quiet little under-cleaned apartment… well, I get totally freaked out.

Because I’m whiling away the hours, days, weeks, (you get the picture) birthing worlds for others to inhabit whilst my own remains tragically under-populated…

(oh, I know, I have some kick-ass family and friends, but that sounded so on par with my mood at the moment)

And I look at the other side of my life, the scary side, the cat-lady-in-training monster beyond the hill, and I shiver with conviction that I must NOT go down that lonely path.

So, 2010 is going to be about trying to find a balance between my creative life and the one outside my door.  I am ready for love, for strong hands and whispers under the sheets, and I am not going to hide here licking my wounds any longer.

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The decorations are up!

In The Daily Drool on December 11, 2009 at 11:25 am

There is something about decorating your house for Christmas that makes the whole season so much more fun!  I love putting up my Christmas tree, looking at each lovely ornament as I hang them… And the twinkling lights make the whole room glow with the promise of a happiness, good tidings, and cheer.  At least, that’s what I think of when I look around.

I imagine when I was younger, the tree only made me think of the presents beneath it.

But I’m older now, and although I reeeeeaaally like to give gifts, I don’t really think about getting them anymore.  Because the holidays are about celebrating the one’s you love, be it with a gift you bring them, or time you spend with them.  And that’s what I really treasure, the time.  Because it goes fast and never asks us how we feel about it.  It’s up to us to enjoy every moment we can!  Christmas just always reminds me of that… of the fleeting nature of life, and of our commitment to cherish it.

And besides, everything looks prettier with a bit of tinsel spread over it!

But however you celebrate the winter holidays, I hope it is lovely and warm… and may you be with the ones you love  🙂

Apparently Tall, Sweet, and SANE is a tall order…

In The Daily Drool on December 5, 2009 at 9:04 am
I think that I shall never see
A guy who’s perfect just for me.
A man who’s bright and doesn’t bore me,
Who has the good taste to adore me.
One who’ll make my insides tingle
who is (dare i hope it!) single.
And who, if our lips should lock,
Can send my hormones into shock!
A man who’s passion doesn’t wane
When he finds out I’ve got a brain.
Yet one who’ll flatter, charm and flirt
(a lot of money couldn’t hurt.)
So if you see my Mr. Right,
Feel free to call me day or night
And if he doesn’t come along
I’ll consider Mr. Wrong

(From a postcard I used to have hanging on my fridge- no idea who wrote it, but I feel her pain.)

On this day of Thanks

In The Daily Drool on November 26, 2009 at 11:10 am

Thankfulness…  We skip over it too often.  I’m at home, home sweet home, and football is on the T.V., everyone anticipating the goodies in the kitchen… and for the moment everyone is just happy.  Purely, sincerely, happy.

Because life is really simple!  It’s just that we people insist on making it more complicated than it needs to be, inherently craving drama or a challenge… I don’t know…

But here we are, on a day of thanks- a day set aside to rejoice in family and friends and bountiful tables, and there’s naught else to be worrying about except whether or not you can fit another bite of turkey into that overstuffed belly of yours… Life is meant to be like this.

Life is meant to be enjoyed.

Life is meant to be celebrated.

Life is meant to be shared.

And I’m sitting here, in my house, delicious aromas spinning round my head, feeling in tune with something deeper, something whole…

Life is truly a wonder, we are a wonder- and this day our touchstone of revelation.

Rejoice in all that you have within you, rejoice in all that you have about you.  For, life is ours for so short a time; we must make the most of it… and eat lots of turkey.

The holidays are coming!!!

In The Daily Drool on November 20, 2009 at 10:37 am

And I’m getting ready!

It’s funny, I had such a rough year, you’d think I’d be dreading all the fuss – but I’m looking forward to them with gusto.  I think it’s because my family and I are so very close, and I cherish the time I get to spend with them.  Knowing that I will soon be gliding merrily through a house smelling of all things delicious fills me with comfort and peace.

Which is what the holidays are all about.

Not those Black Friday sails and counting boxes under the tree.

So maybe it’s not such a bad thing that we won’t be contributing too bullishly to the looting… Because the important stuff?  The love and peace and joy?  That my family and I have in abundance.

Happy Holidays indeed!

And then… and then…

In The Daily Drool on November 9, 2009 at 11:29 pm

… it happens.

I wake to find the little pain in my chest has dissipated into something… manageable – resurfaceable if I let it go too long untended – but manageable nonetheless.

And I start to breath.

Because I’m not dead, this heart not done for… just bruised.  Bruised good.  But still beating.

And his name doesn’t sting, his voice is long gone, and his smell… nearly forgotten (I think.)

All of it carrying a sadness, a weight that bends… but doesn’t quite cut (anymore) and I think, maybe…. maybe I will be able to try again.

Maybe.

Then a shiver, a shiver of “Not Yet” creeps up, slow at first then rushing at lightening speed… up, up, up into my heart and mind, sent directly from my soul “NOT YET!”

(swallow)

An apology.

An apology for embracing the freedom that my almost-forgotten grief left in its place as it stepped out for a moment.

The sadness is still here… but in a thinner form.

And my trusting heart, a heart who threw itself open for this man, still beats, still breaths… but it does not trust.  It does not trust in its own ability to love– for it was so wrong, so wholly incorrect in its estimations, that it prefers to heal in solitude.  And to consider solitude.

To meditate on one-ness.

Even though it yearns to be two.

So I breath.

And I send my heart lullabies.

Because sooner or later someone else with loving eyes is going to deliver a host of butterflies to this body and I will undoubtedly begin to test the scar tissue once again…

… but no, my dear soul, not yet.

Snuggle Bug

In The Daily Drool on November 5, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Somedays, no matter your status, you simply crave a comfortable place to curl up and breathe.

I’ve been having a TOUGH time of it lately, and yesterday was the first day in a loooong time that I felt I had permission to relax.  It was such a foregin concept that I spent most of my “relaxation” worrying I’d forgotten something important.  So I was only at the beach for about an hour before I decided that I might as well come back home and do some writing or something, since relaxing wasn’t in my bones.  And I did get some more work done- then I slept for 13 hours!   The relaxation finally arrived.

But in all of it I kept yearning for a certain pair of arms to burrow into… a pair of arms that do not exist for me anymore, and yet I can’t stop missing them.  I mean, I’m not missing them all the time– I’ve definitely passed that depressing marker- but I haven’t reached such a distance yet that I think of them disdainfully, or with unbridled scorn.  Rather, I think of them with a sadness – knowing that they aren’t here for their own reasons, but I still love the way they felt wrapped round me… So, it makes sense (I think) that in a day where I just wanted to find some safety against which to lean for a while, I mourned there abscence.

Because I loved those arms.

(sigh)

Perhaps a new pair are waiting for me closer than I think?   (But would I even have the strength of heart to try them out?)

I sure slept just fine last night on my own.

But sometimes, especially for a girl who celebrates the love and friendship in her life, you wonder why oh why it is that you’re still having to find and maintain your own “safe place to relax” all on your own…

Ahhh, that dumb thing making me cry…

In Dating, The Daily Drool on October 15, 2009 at 11:17 am

I have a foolish heart.  Yes, yes I do.  And maybe you would argue that hearts are, by their very nature, foolish.  That EVERYONE has a heart of such making.  But I like sense and order (even though I live in the make-believe) and so when I look down at little “me” all awash with foolishness, I cringe-because I know what pain and heartbreak is (most likely) in store.

And about 5 weeks or so that foolish heart of mine got beat to hell.  And it’s been relatively quiet since then, mending and licking its wounds I imagine.  But today, oh today, it woke up crying and I want to shake it for being so… well… foolish!

WHY do we want things we cannot have?  I listen to the radio and almost every damn song is about some poor schmuck who’s been left.  We pine over the pain and the missing, but there’s really nothing to do when you say “I love you” and get back only crickets.  Why then can we not lurch off to our cave and heal (quickly)?  Why must we scream and kick and write songs about it?

Is that all part of the healing?

I feel like my heart got spun round so much it’s no longer got any idea which way is up or which is down.  And the anger is trying to ground it, but… it’s not heavy enough.

My heart likes to linger in the “What if” of a thing that never happened.

So I’m spending a lot of time job-hunting.  I’m spending a lot of time writing.  I’m even sleeping in defense of the alternative.  I’m spending a lot of time trying to do anything that doesn’t involve listening to my heart, but every so often when I slow down the pace and let up the vigilance it pipes up with a cry.

And I don’t know what to tell it except that I love it, and don’t fault it for its ways.

And that if he were worth all this pain he wouldn’t have caused it in the first place.

And then I feed it chocolate, or a movie, or some other such thing as though I am tending to a sad child.

Because that’s what our hearts really represent – our youngest, sweetest, most vulnerable selves.

And as we all know, youngsters are foolish.

Far, Far, Away…

In The Daily Drool on October 7, 2009 at 6:03 pm

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to pack it all in and run somewhere (VERY) far away.  Maybe it was the combination autumn air and new hair (If I’m not cutting it, I’ve got to be coloring it in) but whatever it was, it had a hold of my tightly – stirring dreams of a simpler, prettier world that makes more sense to me than this weird one I’m currently inhabiting.

I mean, I’m a few days shy of 31 and while the writing is going well (thank goodness and knock on wood) there are so many other areas of my life that are.. well, floundering.  I’m tired of romantic flops- hoping instead to find a partnership that lasts (you know I’m thinking about kids too!  WTF biological clock?!  Cut the girl some slack!)  I look around and see so few happy marraiges out here that LA’s romantic track record alone is enough to make one want to high-tail it to Alaska.  Can I really find love in this city?  Am I even looking or just hoping it finds me?  GAH!  I don’t know.  But I do know that there is a veeery strong voice in here telling me that the kind of man I’m looking for doesn’t much live for LA either.

Then there is the job disaster.  Although I am teaching acting one day a week (and really enjoying that!  Yay!)  And doing this other field interview thing once or twice a week, I’m not making enough money to live on!  I just keep adding to the Tiffany Deficit and am even now getting giddy about restaurant interviews, such is the need for steady work!  (I had an interview at a restaurant today, BTW, and it went well.  HOWEVER, The interviewer flat out told me that since they have so many people applying they can afford to be really choosy.  They have a three-step interview process!  I have to wait for interview # 2 and  should hear about that by Friday.  Cross your fingers!)

So you see, all of this seems to be telling me that possibly I should listen a little closer to the wander-lust bug that’s whispering in my ear… But where would I go?

Ahhh, so many questions and uncertainties.  Today was a hard day to stay in LA.

I don’t know how to put just a song here for listening, so here’s a (slightly scary) picture of Ingrid Michaelson to stare at while you listen to one of my favorite songs about getting the eff out of Dodge (or anywhere).

Cuz ya’ gotta’ have friends…

In The Daily Drool on September 13, 2009 at 10:06 pm

Today was one of those days where you get very little done by way of list-checking, but you get a whole lot accomplished in the soul quenching department… In other words, it was awesome!

I spent the afternoon with my LA family, those nearest and dearest who know (almost) all my little Los Angeles secrets.  We howled over mimosas as we regaled one another with the silly business we’ve been up to and retraced some favorite memories while we grazed on the ample buffet table full of our home-made wares.  We giggled and gabbed and played a little Wii.  It was great!  And then, if that weren’t delightful enough, I had dinner with an old friend, someone I haven’t seen in years (for shame), and did some more laughing and just loving life.  It was a grand day!

Sometimes I forget just how important it is for my well being to spend time with people I love… I get caught up in the day-to-day, my social calendar suffering big time, and then I wonder why I feel run down and blue.  It’s so important to celebrate your time here with those who you most enjoy, because really isn’t that what life is all about?  The human connection and spirit?

I woke up this morning feeling a little tired and disconnected, but I’ll be crawling into bed one happy monkey.  Life is too short to spend it all cooped up amongst the plans and worries!

Ahh, yes, my batteries are glowing, and it feels so good.