T-to-the-A

“Grrrrrrr” said the little bear, crouching from within me…

In The Daily Drool on May 7, 2010 at 2:30 pm

I hate being taken advantage of.  I know most people do (duh) but for me it fills me with an absolute discordant HOWL of injustice.  And yesterday, when I opened up my very tardy, very innapropriately deducted security deposit, I almost lost my mind.

Gone were the piles of laundry to wash, invisible were the rewrites to tend to, non-existant was my “To-Do” list a mile long… the only occupation before me was how to unleash the bear to satisfying results.  So I sat down and composed that letter, the one I posted yesterday.  It took about 2 hours, and I was hungry, and I was shaky, and at the end, only at the end, did I feel the angry tidal wave inside me subside.

But then again, this morning, I’m hit with it : the shit-stick of bad fortune, when I find out my car is STILL leaking oil, in fact spreading oil to it’s other parts, polluting the water and other lubricants within the engine… my own mini-oil leak, not nearly as devastating as that global crisis polluting the gulf, but annoying on a micro-level all the same.

And I stumble through my day, in complete heartbreak over the weight of all my worries… a cloud I am able to escape now and tehen, but looms, reminding me that I am financially screwed, have lost faith in love, and am angry.  I’m so angry.

I think I have been for quite some time now.

But it takes me a while to find it… to nod my head and admit that yes, this happy-go-lucky, almost always bubbly, person is, in fact, mad.

Mad that I got my heart trampled last year, mad that I let my foolish heart go frolicking in the dark and violent forest when I saw good and well road signs reading “Turn Back!  NOW!”  – Mad that I haven’t been able to get a permanent job… one that allowed me time to write and money to get by on… Mad that I have to weigh every damn decision against a host of variables I’m not even in control of.  I keep looking around myself and asking “What did I do wrong?!”  becuase I am so, enduringly, bummed about my current state of being…

Being broke.

Being sad.

Being lonely.

Being rejected…

Maybe that’s the thing… I feel like the world is saying “No thanks” to me right now on almost every front, and it sucks.

(Big, dramatic sigh)

There is a small light inside next to the bear… a little firebug, perhaps, of optimism and hope.  It whispers to me that “This too shall pass” and that I’m just in the middle of some (necessary?) ugly.  And that good things will come.

But I’m afraid sometimes that the bear is going to swat that little bug into next week, because it’s easier to be angry when the world turns dark and scary.  The bear builds walls and knocks over anyone who tries to fuck with it…  Firebugs don’t have claws, do they?

So I’m stewing… stewing in my own mini-oil leak, this angry perasive cloud mucking up the rest of things.  Threatening to overwhelm me at even the slightest of hiccups.

I’m just trying to listen to the firebug whispering in the dark.

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  1. When you came to see me I felt the same way.. I did not articulate it as such, you do it so much more gracefully but all the same. I am truely sorry that you are having these moments. I am sorry that I am not there to comfort you like you did me, but remember you are a spectacularly beautiful and intelligent woman. I love and admire you. You did something I never would have done, did not have the courage to do and that was to make your own way. Cheers to you for trying. I completely understand how you feel on many levels as we have walked shared the same road. Yes love, this too shall pass. I promise. I send you oodles of love and wish you happy thoughts.

  2. I love you.

  3. Kim, you just made me get all weepy. Thank you for your sweet, sweet words! I love you and miss you. And I might be moving in with you next if things don’t pick up… hahaha.

  4. Maybe that’s the thing… I feel like the world is saying “No thanks” to me right now on almost every front, and it sucks.

    You know, I completely understand how easy it is to focus on the “No thanks”es of the world – because they are dramatic and crushing and around every corner. I focus on them an awful lot too.

    But I would like to list some of the “please, yes, some more, if you will!” reaction that you’ve willed into existence. And this is, of course, an incomplete list.

    MFA from prestigious UCLA program.
    Tim Robbins award for social importance
    Staged a full production of “in the company of jane doe” that was very successful.
    Samuel French award winner
    Has had numerous other plays reviewed or read to much acclaim.

    Look, that’s just a sample, but it’s 99% more than many playwrights ever accomplish. That’s just a stone cold fact. So while the no’s are messed up and hard to deal with, don’t lose sight of all those yesses – even if bum oil repairs and bummier landlords try to obscure the fact that a whole lot of people with good taste are saying anything BUT “No Thanks” to you.

  5. You’re right, it’s easy to focus on the negative sometimes… easy but not helpful. (sigh) And thanks for the in-my-face list, haha. It’s like the hurdle analogy though- no sooner do you leap over one that you set your eyes to the next… and when you stumble, you see only dirt. Perhaps the trick is shedding the tunnel vision, but it’s hard to do when your a control-freak perfectionist dreamer! Thanks for the pep talk 🙂

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