T-to-the-A

Census Porn

In The Daily Drool on May 5, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Look, I’m all about the illusion of love-at-first-sight… it’s what so many good stories are made of.  But I don’t especially believe in it.  Sorry, all you effing insane crazy romantics, but it’s kind of a lot of caca (bullshit sounds better) that we writers fry up and dress in daisies to appease your hunger pains… you dig?

So, imagine my disgust at the little sex vulture in our training class:

DAY 1- Let’s call him “Dude” – Dude is annoying: lots to say, very little of it of any quality.  Repeat, ANNOYING.  Day 1 he chats it up with the cougar in the back.  I have fantasies of turning around and sealing their lips shut with my laser-eyes.  Instead, I stare straight ahead and try not to scream.

DAY 2- Wouldn’t you know it if Dude doesn’t plop his ass right down next to me?  In the front row?  Suffice to say I was NOT surprised when he got up and relocated at the break – I’m sure my “I find you repulsive” vibes were messing up his cool-cat bubble… He meandered over to another lady of chatting and giggling style.  I enjoyed the empty space.

DAY 3-  Dude and Chatty McGee spend the entire day canoodling over their census training booklets.  Dude spends the entire morning with his arm draped around the back of her chair while she reads off his manual and spends the morning rubbing his thigh (According to Poor Lovely Person Stuck Sitting Behind Them All Day)  PLPSSBTAD also informs me that from her vantage point said hand alternated between mid and high/upper thigh, and that they also “snuck” smooches in to their training/groping/grossing-the-rest-of-us-out session.

DAY 4- I’m forcasting a violent break-up in which she throws her government documents at him, delivering massive papercuts, and equates his junk to our standard issue No. 2 pencils.  Either that or they’re going to make a baby right there on the floor.  (gag)

Let me just say this – after 3 days of official government training, I’m duly impressed with my own ability to stomach sleaze.  I mean, these are adults… adults who apparently never matriculated beyond the gland stage.

I’ll just say it again… GAG.

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  1. Jealousy is such an ugly thing. (JUST KIDDING! I feel bad for you being around this, but well, work it into a script.)

  2. HAhahahaa, yeah, I thought I might be leaving the door open for a comment like that! But seriously, I keep thinking of this totally weird movie I saw with Luke Wilson – he plays this crazy sex-addict- and I think that’s what this guy is. And her too. I mean, who gropes one another all day in a census training class like that? After two days? My body bubble/spacial allowance committee have a much longer application process than these two. And they give me the heebie jeebies. This is also a dude who asked if he could demand papers from those suspicious “Brown People” when he knocks on their doors. I think he was trying to be funny, but you know what? He’s NOT. He’s disgusting. Ugh.

  3. You MUST take a photo of them so we can gawk!!!! Please!!!

  4. I’m with Fall Out Girl. Photos please!! And I see him as more of an Owen Wilson kind of sleazy seducer. You have got to work them in to something. (Atlantis?!?!?!)

  5. The photo is a must. I once took a pic of an older drunk woman with LOTS of raunchy makeup trying to deboard a boat. What a sight! Cut off his baby junk with those lazer beam eyes of yours!

  6. […] Census-Porn is apparently a big search item on the interweb.  I’m not joking, I got a lot of hits on that one.  Let me just tell you though, it doesn’t pay to make-out in Census training.  Literally.  They got fired.  I guess maybe all you really do need is Love…  Or lust.  Or someone to let you stick your tongue in their mouth without any sense of discretion. […]

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