A Letter to the man/woman/aliens that pick through my garbage at 3 a.m.

In The Daily Drool on March 9, 2010 at 11:00 am

Dear Early Morning Garbage Picker(s),

I understand that you are hungry/broke/bored… I respect the traumas that have led you to this part-time profession… and I hope that these early morning mining sessions of yours reveal the fruit you so desire: glass bottles with a swig left of scotch, half-nibbled pizza pies still in their box, or recyclables ripe for recyclin’.  But I beg of you, for just 21 more days, can you pick through my trash with less clamour, less bang, less NOISE?

You see, I don’t know how you came to find that us Almayo-ens produce so much of whatever it is you’re looking for, but it’s nigh on 4 nights now that you’ve been pillaging our plunder, and that plunder lay directly outside and beneath my bedroom window… a single-paned wonder that allows every damn crinkle of your crashing about to interrupt my REM cycle.

It’s stressing me out.

Last night, er, this morning, your noisy pilfering infiltrated my dreams and had me looking for the source of the disruption amongst wood beams and chocolate cupcakes standing stories high!  When I finally bubbled up to the surface of that confusion, there you were, the sleep-thief, thieving your way through our collective waste.  I wanted to open my window and rain down obscenities upon your brow.

But I didn’t.

Because I feel bad that you are down there in the first place, while I am cosily tucked into bed.

So I’m writing this plea to you instead… a plea to work quietly, to sift silently, to come and go like an elf.  Ask yourself, what would a garden gnome do?  How does Santa do it?  (or possibly)  Isn’t there somewhere better you could go?   And then, if stay you must, then let none know you were here, especially me, the sleeping monster just feet from the fray.  Because one of these morns, if the cycle isn’t broken, the monster will bellow.  She will bellow long and loud… She will blister your ears with her sleepless rage and the buildings around us will rattle… And then, once riled, she will have an even harder time getting back to sleep.

So please, please, just… Shhhhhhh.



  1. Definitely aliens. I’m currently working on a repellent. Maybe you’d volunteer for some test research?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: