Waking up a little bit at a time

In The Daily Drool on February 2, 2010 at 12:07 pm

I’ve slept so solid the past two nights that I’ve woken up utterly confused and completely refreshed.  And when I say “Confused” I mean, it’s like someone hit my reset button, I was that asleep.  I wake up with this “What day is it?  Who am I?”  feeling that isn’t the least bit unsettling because I feel so rested that I don’t really care all that much.

Then I rub my eyes and the world comes into focus again.

But I think part of the reason I’ve been sleeping so well is because I’ve kind of resigned from the panic of this past year – I mean, I’ve spent a considerable amount of time looking for work, hunting and scraping just to “Get by.”  It’s as though finding a job has become my business and pretty much the first and last thing I think about on a daily basis.  But it’s recently become apparent that I’m not even going to be able to maintain this frantic scrounging lifestyle and… well, it’s sort of freeing.

And what is this girl talking about?  I’m talking about going home.  I’m subletting my apartment and heading back to AZ to get my feet back under me, which is terrifying and all sorts of crazy in and of itself, but also perhaps the best decision I could possibly make at present, if it were in fact a decision…  Haha, it’s really sort of an end and unavoidable result of this past year.  But it’s also probably all kinds of salve to my presently confused muse who isn’t getting the attention she deserves because everything has been coming in second behind the panic.

So I’ve been sleeping better.

Because I’ve reached the point of “I’ve done everything I could do” and am now in “You’re hands are free of things” territory…  I’m currently not in control of my own destiny ( and perhaps we never are )  Life, it seems, has shown me that it has other plans.

And today I felt great for the first time in a while.  I drove with my window down and a happy little muse warm in my heart because I might actually have some time to write!  To refocus… to be still and listen to the pulse of things.

Because sometimes you need to pull the car over, take out some snacks and just enjoy the view…  And I can’t do that here.  I can’t afford it.  But I can go home… go home and listen.

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