The Scary Side of Writing…

In Playwriting, The Daily Drool on December 18, 2009 at 11:58 pm

I spend a lot of time at home “making out” with my computer.

The creative rewards are amazing (if long in the coming) but every once in a while I detach from my imagination long enough to look around my cluttered apartment and at my two perhaps-overly-affectionate cats and wonder if I’m not seriously fucking things up.

I mean, what is life but a series of moments, memories…  and here I am living mostly in the imagined and fantastical.  This body, this life, is not as balanced as I want it to be.

When I reach back to my much younger self, I see her imagined version of thirty-year-old-Tiffany and that girl is:  Married with kids, owns a home, and teaches high-school theatre (as well as doing some light community theatre when she finds the time)

I mean, that is verbatim what I thought I would be doing.  Everything seemed so within reach.

But REAL thirty-year-old-Tiffany is a starving writer/acting-teacher-on-Saturdays who just Loved and Lost AGAIN, owning only apartment furnishings and a Hyundai, with no promise of kids in sight.

And yes, I need to be fair- I mean, I have absolutely zero desire to teach High School Theatre (the anxiety!) and this Tiffany while emotionally fulfilled by the imagined version, would probably be the craziest mom on the block if I hadn’t been able to do all the schooling and adventuring I’ve done… but there is still, something so very alluring (and therefore mournful) about that idea of home, husband, kids… I want all of those things NOW, I’m kind of over the wanderings of single me!

So when I think about it all, and the meaning of life (dear GOD, I haven’t a clue), and then I look around my quiet little under-cleaned apartment… well, I get totally freaked out.

Because I’m whiling away the hours, days, weeks, (you get the picture) birthing worlds for others to inhabit whilst my own remains tragically under-populated…

(oh, I know, I have some kick-ass family and friends, but that sounded so on par with my mood at the moment)

And I look at the other side of my life, the scary side, the cat-lady-in-training monster beyond the hill, and I shiver with conviction that I must NOT go down that lonely path.

So, 2010 is going to be about trying to find a balance between my creative life and the one outside my door.  I am ready for love, for strong hands and whispers under the sheets, and I am not going to hide here licking my wounds any longer.

  1. And love shall rain down on you!
    From across the pacific, land and air, i feel your writing vibe.

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