LeMui, the frog-leg eating bastard!

In Playwriting, The Daily Drool on November 15, 2009 at 10:22 am

Ahhh, it’s here.  Auditions for my show, In the Company of Jane Doe…and I’m so very excited.

The funny thing is, not too terribly long ago it was me on the stage doing my best to get hired… I like it a lot better in the seats with the clipboard in my lap.  But I wonder how surprised that younger Tiffany would have been, if given a glimpse of the NOW.

F- “Psst, Tiffany, come here.”

(looking around confused, she spots a mysterious looking frog crouched int he corner with his froggy finger apon his lips)

T- “I’m sorry, are you talking to me?”

F-  “Yeah, hurry up and get over here, I’m from the future and I got somethin’ to tell you!”

(She cautiously creeps toward the green blob, sneakily picking up the nearest blunt object to carry behind her back, just in case…)

F-  “Listen, I know you think things are crazy tough, but I wanted to tell you that you’re going to be a playwright soon anyway, so don’t sweat this acting stuff.”

T-  ” A playwright?”

F-  “Yeah, you’re going to win all sorts of awards, and then in 2009 (which is really gonna’ suck, btw) it’s all going to come together with your first professional production!  I don’t know what happens after that, I left right about the time you were having auditions.”


F- “What the fuck was that for?”

T- “You’re lying.”

F- “I am not!  I’m- Jesus that hurt! I’m from the future, I came here to do you a favor-”

T-  “Yeah, about that, what’s the deal anyway?  Why would you pop in on my rehearsal?  Where did you come from?  WHY CAN YOU TALK?”

F-  “I’m, oy, I don’t know, something with the space-time-continuum jump that I did in my super-ripped Delorian-”

T-  “Okay, now you’re plagiarizing-”

F- “I’m OBVIOUSLY not a scientist here- Hey, wait, is that… what do you have behind your back?”

T- “Nothing.”

F- “Look, I cut a deal, okay?  I come back here and give you some good news and I get to intercept Martin LeMui, renowned for a mind-blowing frog-leg recipe that changes the fate of my kind as you know it!  He’s going to crawl past this room at approx. 8:25 p.m. EST and I am going to make sure he falls under a bus, or something…”

T- “Wait, so… You’re not some sort of super freaky frog prince that’s got the hots for me or something?”

F- “What?  ME?  and YOU?  Ugh, gross, no way!  Where’d you get that idea?”

(The blunt object hovers above him)

F- “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean… It’s just, you’re a human… and you’re wearing your pajamas!  At REHEARSAL.  I prefer my girls have a little more… denim.  Less flannel.  Look, why would you even think that?”

T- “Well, it’s just that I’ve been kissing a lot of “frogs” lately… You got me worried.”

F- “Listen to me sweetheart, they’re all toads.  If I were you, I’d invest heavily in wart-removal.  Oh, shit!  There’s LeMui!  I’ve got to go.  Good luck!”

(hoppity, hop… “FOR KERMIT!!!!”    Boom, screech.)

The End.


Yeah… I imagine it would go a little something like that.



  1. I LOVE your imagination. It is absolutely divine and so are you for knowing just how to wield it. This blog post is the best thing I’ve read all month. I hope the auditions went swimmingly. 🙂

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