T-to-the-A

Ahhh, that dumb thing making me cry…

In Dating, The Daily Drool on October 15, 2009 at 11:17 am

I have a foolish heart.  Yes, yes I do.  And maybe you would argue that hearts are, by their very nature, foolish.  That EVERYONE has a heart of such making.  But I like sense and order (even though I live in the make-believe) and so when I look down at little “me” all awash with foolishness, I cringe-because I know what pain and heartbreak is (most likely) in store.

And about 5 weeks or so that foolish heart of mine got beat to hell.  And it’s been relatively quiet since then, mending and licking its wounds I imagine.  But today, oh today, it woke up crying and I want to shake it for being so… well… foolish!

WHY do we want things we cannot have?  I listen to the radio and almost every damn song is about some poor schmuck who’s been left.  We pine over the pain and the missing, but there’s really nothing to do when you say “I love you” and get back only crickets.  Why then can we not lurch off to our cave and heal (quickly)?  Why must we scream and kick and write songs about it?

Is that all part of the healing?

I feel like my heart got spun round so much it’s no longer got any idea which way is up or which is down.  And the anger is trying to ground it, but… it’s not heavy enough.

My heart likes to linger in the “What if” of a thing that never happened.

So I’m spending a lot of time job-hunting.  I’m spending a lot of time writing.  I’m even sleeping in defense of the alternative.  I’m spending a lot of time trying to do anything that doesn’t involve listening to my heart, but every so often when I slow down the pace and let up the vigilance it pipes up with a cry.

And I don’t know what to tell it except that I love it, and don’t fault it for its ways.

And that if he were worth all this pain he wouldn’t have caused it in the first place.

And then I feed it chocolate, or a movie, or some other such thing as though I am tending to a sad child.

Because that’s what our hearts really represent – our youngest, sweetest, most vulnerable selves.

And as we all know, youngsters are foolish.

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  1. You are BRILLIANT and anyone who doesn’t get you doesn’t DESERVE you. That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it.

  2. Aww (blushing) Thanks 🙂

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