The Slow Bleed

In Essays, The Daily Drool on September 15, 2009 at 11:27 am

There are times where I look over my behavior and have to shake my head- I’m 30 years old and I still haven’t learned the art of walking away.  I hang in till the last possible moment, till I’ve given all of myself over the whim of the beast I am feeding and as he leans down for that last debilitating bite I wonder why I didn’t walk away when I had the strength.

Maybe it’s one of the reasons I’ve done as well as I have as a playwright… I just don’t know when to quit.  But there are occasions that require quitting- situations that in fact have gigantic “Caution”, “Turn Back”, and “This is going to fuck you up!” signs posted all along the perimeter… yet I keep flying by them- maybe pausing to read, but pushing on regardless, hoping against hope that they’re wrong and that I will be the exception to their rule.

I wonder why.

Is it perhaps because I think I’m special?  That I’ve chosen to go after this unusual life, this exceptional life, and am more reckless with myself as a result?  Am I – a person who gambles only with the prescribed dollars in her pocket and who walks away once that $20 or $30 dollar prescription is spent – a big time gambling addict when it comes to my heart and soul?

Do I seek out the longshots in the hopes of a sweeter victory?

I’m 30 years old, I don’t have a job, my heart is in an awful tangle and I’ve got no one to blame but myself.  Here I am, kind of at the bottom of the barrel with no clue where to go or how to climb out and I have to wonder- If I was so quick to play the odds, didn’t I give up any right to indignation at my now (seemingly) dire condition by default?  Because I want to scream and kick and cry… but no one put me here, and therefore all tantrum-throwing seems ill-gotten.

If I’m unhappy with this life of mine, isn’t it up to me to change it?

All my life I’ve had one thing figured out- my passion and the education I would seek in pursuing it – but now here I am, schooling finished, and passions not really footing any of the bills- and I have no idea where to go next.  I have absolutely no clue where to put my feet.  I want love, a home, a teaching career… and I seem to be completely deficient in all three of those areas.

And I just wonder- since everyone is so fond of telling me that this is what being a “Grown-up” is like – this not knowing a goddamned thing about anything- how does anyone ever get anywhere?


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