“That Vacuum can suck it!” – a feline’s perspective

In Essays, The Daily Drool on July 11, 2009 at 4:34 pm

Alright, let’s just get this out of the way.  Maaaaybee the human left for the day.  And just MAYBE she was foolish enough to leave her computer on.  AND MAYBE I’ve been feeling a little upset about her obvious lack of consideration for the way I like things done around here…  So let’s not get too worked up about me using this as a forum for catharsis.  The human seems to think that sharing every little golden fart that comes from her pea-sized brain is alright, so why not give you people something worth getting excited about?

I’m going to start small.

1- We like clean litter boxes.  Duh.  Why is it so hard for you to understand that scooping that disgusting excuse for our native African soils is not only vital for happy co-habitation, but just proper Human to Feline ettiquette.  And don’t stare when we use it.  It’s disgusting.  I know there has been an uncomfortable occasion or two (alright, it’s a habit) of my coming in to your “Throne”, but it’s one of the only times I can get some undivided attention.  I mean, think about it, if that’s the only place I can get you to look me in the eye and scratch my head steady, then don’t you think it might be time for a little evaluation of the relationship?   I’ll tell you what topic # 1 will be – The Litter Box.

2- I like fish.  I like the expensive “made with real fish” brands.  I don’t like “Beef blend” , or that sorry excuse for “Turkey” flavored pate you scoop from the forty-nine cent can.  I LIKE FISH.  Preferrably Salmon or Tuna.  So if you don’t have it, go out and GET SOME MORE.  Stop trying to appease me with those lame-ass “Came-with-the-cat-litter” freebies you store in the closet.  I know where you sleep.  Now feed me!

3- Stop “Vacuuming.”   I don’t know what your obsession with that monstrous device is, but every time I get my favorite bit of floor just the way I like it, you come along and hoover the heck out of it.  Do you know how hard it is to get my fur like that?  Really deep down in the carpet so that Daredevil doesn’t get confused and think he can have the window seat?  I mean, sure, I could see how vacuuming the cat sand makes a difference… but it’s not my fault the “Super Abosrbant Clay” formula clings to my feet.  If you want to be helpful, why don’t you just bend down and pick up those bits, leaving my fur where I left it?  I mean, can’t a cat have a little place all her own?   I’m not askign for much!  Just that square by the window, and the armrest of the couch, and that place under the table by the chair you don’t use…  and behind the desk…  Well, I shouldn’t have to make a list.  Just stop messing with my comfy spots okay?  Besides, everytime you pull out your “Vacuume”  (or “The Devil’s Machine” as I like to call it) it just makes me lose more fur anyway.  All that panic isn’t healthy.  I don’t like loud noises or intrusions into my personal zone.  Can’t you see the sheer rage in my eyes when you bring it out?  Don’t you realize that if you didn’t have massive suction powers at your disposal I would bite off your head for your impudence?

Okay.  I’m making this too personal.

Maybe it’s time for a nap.

But really, listen to me about the Hoover, okay?

~Midnite, Master of Your Universe

  1. You’re a cat mind reader of amazing skill. And when I looked at your photographs that little black cat is a doppleganger for my Zambi, expression, eyes. Woah. They’re everywhere – these feline masters.

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