A Tricky Orbit

In Essays, The Daily Drool on June 5, 2009 at 10:19 pm


I’m.  Falling.  

Holding out my hands to grab… something… anything to help break the fall- 

But there’s nothing to catch hold of.  And so I tumble.  Knowing better, knowing that it can end in only a splatter, but tumbling nonetheless.  Muttering, yelling, screaming at myself YOU’VEDONETHISBEFORE!  but not being able to stop.

And the gentle smiling monster staring back at me is blissfully unaware of my internal fight.  Completely blind to the war raging inside me.  I want to run away, I want to let go of hope, I want it all to start making sense, and to stopStopSTOP fretting over this thing I cannot change.

But then he touches my arm, a thousand little explosions igniting at my elbow, traveling at speeds Einstein would marvel over, on their way to my heart, short-circuiting the brain and all its protests… And the lights come on, the fall eases into a float, and I look up at that which has caught me and it is him.  

And for the moment knowing, or not knowing, seems irrelevant.  

So I do nothing but try not to ruin this moment, this peace.  I breathe it in, I laugh, I take comfort in the company out here in my orbit.  And I try not to think of the screaming absence he will leave when he goes back to his planet and I mine.

Love has once again shown me why I keep coming back for more.  And in the colder hours it will once again show me why I despise it so.

And he will never know what he does, or doesn’t do, because to speak of it would bring it to the party, and the blues are never a welcome guest.

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