Critical Me, Myself, and I

In Essays on February 28, 2009 at 4:27 pm

It’s amazing how little I think to celebrate…

I’m sitting at the airport, on my third playwriting-related trip, and it’s striking me as strange that I so often seem to forget to count the victories along my way, so fixated am I on this great big glowing goal before me. And I wonder why. I wonder why it’s hard for me to just be somewhere, enjoying the present of that moment without pondering how to get to the next big one. I’m like this in so many regards, it’s ridiculous; career, life, love… the only think I probably don’t do this with is food. When I’m eating, I am like, totally eating. The joy of a great meal is never overridden with the anxiety of “I wonder when I’m going to have another delicious meal” because I have sufficient confidence in my repertoire to feel at ease about my menu. Perhaps that’s the thing missing from the other areas for me – a confidence.

The career… well, I’m still trying to shape one. It’s so intrinsically tied to my writing, which I am continually efforting to improve, that there is very little time taken to revel in the things I have learned already. And it is going well, but I’m still just getting started. There aren’t any guarantees, and not enough people know who the heck I am for me to feel that I can relax with a confident sigh that “Yes, I will make it as a writer.” Instead, I’m constantly feeling the need to keep at it, get better, and never let up my guard.

And when it comes to love… well… I feel as though the older I get the more confused I am about it. It gets grayer, and harder to trust or believe in, because I feel less and less certain that my heart has any sense at all. You could argue that love is, in essence, a nonsensical thing, but for someone who desires the concrete and certain, its whimsical foolishness has left me completely befuddled. Nevertheless, I find myself yearning for a clear case of “Love” and have yet to see anything clear about it.

So, what is there for a concrete aficionado and admittedly critical self-critic to do? I suppose not much but to try and calm the eff down! AND to relish those meals I’m eating in the meantime. And to remember to pat myself on the back once in a while, because there’s no limit to the number of people out there ready to tell you  what you’re doing wrong… perhaps it’s time I start telling myself what I’m doing right.

  1. Remember that everything’s amazing!

  2. Thank you Alex, that was awesome!

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