An immovable object…

In Essays, The Daily Drool on February 3, 2009 at 1:40 am

Ossification.  Stasis.  Permanent disability.  

“The older I get, the harder it is for me to consider changing my ways for a woman”

A friend of mine spittled this gem at me over his whiskey-on-the-rocks a few years ago, and I never forgot it.  It stuck in my teeth, occasionally coming back in the form of bad breathe whenever a female friend of mine would drag home her newest “Fixer-Upper” and I always, always hid it with mints.  But here I am, at the lovely age of 30, and I find myself grimacing at the prospects before me. 

Let’s face it, going from single to coupled-up is only easy when you’re too young to know any better.  The older you get, the better acquainted you become with the holes in the road, the cliffs on either side of it, and the ever looming rain clouds above that seem to want to suck up your thunder… So when, to your utter amazement, some little ray of sunshine comes along with enough force to get you up and moving, you pull on your galloshes, grab an umbrella, and pull out the flashlight.  Because (at the onset) you loose your mind enough to forget what you’re getting yourself into.

And sure enough, before too long those galloshes are pulling at your feet, the umbrella doesn’t work very well anyway, and you start to wonder if that “partner” your walking next to is EVER going to offer to carry the flashlight for you… 

What are you doing?  Why can’t you just shrug it all off and go running pell mell into the melee?  What has happened?  Are you just jaded?  Or are you finally “wizened” up?  Or is all that protective gear (designed to keep you safe from the elements) really just slowing you down… 

Because we think we know better.  We think we know better, than to believe in Love.  

(Ahem, Big Booming, Echoey Voice)  Our First Love (cue the chorus of angels, or the sound of shattered glass…)  Our first love is technicolor.  You’re walking along, you think you’ve got things pretty much figured out… which way is up, where you can find the earth, etc, … when BOOM!  Love hits.  And you can’t imagine a world without it!  So, when it ends, and you’re ass over tea-kettle looking for somewhere, anywhere for the love of God! to put your feet… You. Can’t. Imagine. The. World. Without. It.  

Then, somehow, just when you’ve gotten used to life once more, you’re back in the saddle and ready to ride… there comes the 2nd heartbreak, landing with a lightening bolt that sears us to the bone, slicing its way across old  scars… And we cry “Foul, damnit!” but somewhere in there, a little voice whispers “Yes, I remember this.”  And we tell ourselves that this too, shall pass.

And so it goes, until years and loves later, we confront each new disappointment with such a familiar shrug that we wonder… whatever was I so worried about?  The sadness and hurt such dim echoes of that first strike, that you climb out of your pajamas and get back to business as usual after only the tiniest of sojourns, stopping for coffee on the way as if nothing much has changed after all.

So you wonder, well marvel really, at this remarkable self-reconciliation occurring in your once moveable heart… and pause:

“Wait a minute…”

Didn’t that initial “I can’t live without love” drive you to fight for it?  To defend and cherish it?  To perservere?  Now that we know we can “Survive” without it, have in fact made it past tantrums and upset and feel stronger for it… Do we resign ourselves to cutting and running at the first sign of trouble?  Do we give up too early, throw in the towel, presume to know the future with this as-yet-untried partner  “Well, I can see where this is going!” and get the hell out of there with a sigh, a twinge in our heart, and claim ourselves victim to yet another rotten arrow?

Or are we just biding our time with trifles, while waiting for an unstoppable force to knock our immovable heart out from beneath its protective armor?

  1. Tiffany, I love this. You are LA’s Carrie Bradshaw. I found myself reliving my 20s with each paragraph…

  2. I JUST texted her the same thing J.J.!! You really need to start wring in magazines and newspapers my friend!! I LOVE this 🙂

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